I, Fariss Haiqel Boulala came to life on 21st February 1991, only God knows why.
Since then, Bengali, Malay, Chinese, Javanese, and football are in my blood.
I'm 1.82metres tall. I'm not heavy but I consider myself a heavyweight in my own world.
I do anything I want and I'll do anything to get what I want.
It's not that I can't accept defeat. I'm just born to win.
I'm as ambitious as Hitler. Fear me not though. I'm a nice guy, really.
But try me if you insists. I would love that.
When I was 4, my father bought me a pair of boots and a set of the national team jersey. He embeded my name at the back. He told me one day, he wants to see me on television representing Singapore. I told myself I want to make him proud. I had a dream, but I knew it was only a dream. I've never had too much expectations of myself. And then last year, I was called-up into the National Football Academy. 25 were handpicked island-wide amongst all 18 and 17 year olds.
I can't fulfill my father's vision. But at least I was one step away. I didn't get to play on TV but my name with "Bin Mohd Hamran" was on the newspapers for my father to read. I didn't get the opportunity to play for the senior team yet, but I wore a flag on my chest and my name embeded on my back for real. And its an honour to represent the country in Vietnam playing with the best young players in Singapore and against the best young players in the World. Its already a dream come true for me and I hope I made my father proud. I had my limelights, perhaps I dont need the spotlight. I hate to give up, but my knee wouldn't function like it used to. I'm taking mum's orders.
I've been hit by the hardest rocks and waves lately. I need time to change myself. So as I'm turning my back on this blog for a while, I'm turning my back on football for good.
And I thank you for concerning.
I was sick, alone, depressed, staring at the ground.
I have too much to think, yet I really dont know what to do.
And then one call wiped that frown away.
No one makes me feel the way you do.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick and tired of making decisions and ending up regretting. I feel so depressed especially when someone urges you to go one way, but you know the other way is the right one. Then I realise I get mocked by everyone in the end because someone else gives you too much time too consider. Blame really loves me.
Its always me and my miserable stories. And people get sick and tired of reading my blog because I blabber about the same old things now and then. I get sick of blogging too.
Sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired. Thats all I feel today. I'm also sick and tired of pretending to be fine when everything that I can think of everyday, just matters too much. Maybe they should repair my brain too. Put screws, staples, plastic?
And yeah, my left limb cannot function for at least 9 months more. Trust me, you'd rather be pregnant. I dont know what I can do. Nothing fun, really. Keep blogging? No, I'll stop blogging. At least for a long time. BAI!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I had ample time at home before I left for work earlier today. So I did a small research on the net just to kill time. I found out so much but I can't possibly post about everything I know. So here's a small portion of my findings:
From psychedelic-library.org, The most recent "recreational" drug to be made illegal is MDMA, or "ecstasy." Its criminalization never should have happened. Ecstasy had a beneficial therapeutic use prior to scheduling. Hundreds of therapists and psychiatrists used ecstasy assisted psychotherapy with thousands of patients suffering from terminal illness, trauma, marital difficulties, drug addiction, phobias, and other disorders. Ecstasy was also used outside of therapeutic circles. With many claims of benefits, users showed little evidence of problematic physiological or psychological reactions or addiction. Scheduling and the attendant media attention on the controversial public hearings created an expanded market. But the scheduling process was fraught with problems, with the Drug Enforcement Administration's emergency scheduling itself declared illegal by the courts and its scheduling criteria overturned. Ultimately, criminalization had little deterrent effect on the recreational user population while substantially reducing its therapeutic use. Perhaps the most profound effect of ecstasy's illegality has been the curtailment of scientific research and experimentation with a drug that held therapeutic potential. Socially, psychedelic drugs proved to also be of such beneficial use amongst users mostly in dance clubs and parties.
There you go. Some facts for your head. And for those curious minds, here's some more of my findings, but in my own words; Because there are so many benefits and harmless side effects, many professors, scientists and researchers are actually against the illegalisation of these happy pills. Researchers actually found out that more than 90 percent of those who died from it are never addicted. They are just stupid enough to take too many at one shot. And from a survey, all users described it as the ultimate best way to be happy and be free to talk about anything and do everything you want, yet still feeling alright upon soberity. Many claimed that its a less troubling way yet a much more effective way to enjoy compared to drinking.
Interviewee: "When I drink a lot, I feel great at first, then I get this irritating feeling in my head and I woke up the next morning telling myself never to drink again. Yet, I'll still do it the next time because I got myself addicted. However, when I was on E, I can just smile away, feel free to move and talk anyhow I want and I see things in a more interesting way, but I can wake up the next morning telling myself I'm glad to have done it. Still, I have only took it twice because I never feel the addiction."
I miss you.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thats a pretty pair of Braata. If you click at Mr Rafie Truelove's link, you can see the same image. But I'm sorry Rafie. I think I want it too. Hehe.. All I need now is to work for the bucks.
If you put half a fish down my throat tonight and play Tiesto in my ears, I'll be the happiest man on earth.
Temptations like luring voices in my head.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Today, I'm back in Singapore. Tomorrow, I'll be back in school. And I only just found out because I initially thought its a public holiday for Deepavali. Yes, I know I'm wrong. Don't laugh. Well, its not going to be a good start. Because I made an appointment with the stupid doctor and this means I have to skip the first lesson without MC or excuse letter. Hey look! My attendance isaffected already! How great.. Oh God, I hate school already. But I'm going to do well this semester, because I have to. Ngee Ann is sick and tired of giving me chances already. The next one will be dismissal surely. Being a repeat student is embarassing enough. Okay, not really(macam abang2). But I wouldn't want to be a drop-out, would I? Besides, I made a promise to Sushi and I want to keep the promise because she's the last person I would want to dissapoint. So yeah, GPA above 2 and I'm gonna do it willingly this time. Now, the first challenge of the semester is to wake up on time. Hell yeah, thats hard! Someone give me a wake up call, because apparently alarm never seems to work with me.
Friday, October 16, 2009
So after the doctors put me in a capsule, made me felt like I was in a coffin, blasted loud irritating magnetic sounds, made me wait alone for 2 hours in town, they finally gave me a big envelope. I was excited to know my injury, ironically. But I was patient enough to wait till I got home. So there were 5 big films in it. I could clearly see the interior of my left knee but I was unfortunately not pro enough to figure out what went wrong or which ligaments actually tore. So I thought it was pointless. And then I realised there's actually a slip of report in that envelope. And here's what it says;
MRI: Left Knee.
Clinical notes: Twisting injury.
Technique: Blah, blah, bah.
Findings: Blah, blah, blah.
Conclusion: There is a high-grade ACL tear(almost complete tear). Mild MCL strain and bone contusions in the lateral comparment in the tibiofemoral joint are noted.
Negative for meniscal tear.
Yep, you heard that right. Not meniscus, PCL, LCL or MCL tear. ACL. And yeah, big tear. Almost full. Unbelievable, really. I thought I've been able to jump and run already. I'm so hampered. But what the hell. This is life. So now I just want to go through this quickly. Go cut my legs, drill my bones, sew my ACL, put screws in my joints, sew my skin back, whatever needed. Then let me heal and rot as a handicap for months. No more suspense please. I'm so sick and tired of blabbering about my knee already. No more.
And mum, I'll quit football, ok? If that makes you happy. I don't think I can still play well anyway. You're right. I'm just a dreamer all along.
Off to Malacca. Misses. Bye!
Dreams of you.
I always wake up and stare for long.
Sometimes, I worry.
Should I tell you?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
MRI, Magnetic Resonance Imaging scan tmr. Woooooooooooo..... Sounds interesting.
And then off to Malacca in the evening. Hhmmmmmmmmm..... Can I not go?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Yesterday, it felt right again. Take me back to the start. Because to summarise every word told last night, my life would suck without a diamond. If ever, a chance is given, this time I'll grab it, hold it tight and never let it slip away.
Promise.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I slept for 10 hours and I'm still so friggin drowsy. No more cough syrup for me. Or It will put me to sleep for a really really long time.
And mum, where's my tubigrip? Without wearing it, I can feel my bones grinding against each other everytime I move my left leg.
I should go to sleep. Really. Bye.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
When there's so many friends to have and so much time to spend, sometimes I just forget that there's actually so much to think, so many things to do, so much money to need.
My oh my. So sick, only the cough syrup helps.
Monday, October 5, 2009
When you fill a glass with overwhelming joy, you might spill everything over.
So when you've found joy, go find faith.
Because faith keeps joy and you together.
It works like Red Bull and Vodka.
Your mind works in one.
Decide, never undecide.
Life is never complicated.
You complicate life.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
It was one fucked up night. But at least I kept my little brother to myself.
Aloha!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I have a good feeling about this.
My progress tells me I might recover sooner than I thought.
And I hope I can choose not to go for the operation.
When I was 4, my father bought me a pair of boots and a set of the national team jersey. He embeded my name at the back. He told me one day, he wants to see me on television representing Singapore. I told myself I want to make him proud. I had a dream, but I knew it was only a dream. I've never had too much expectations of myself. And then last year, I was called-up into the National Football Academy. 25 were handpicked island-wide amongst all 18 and 17 year olds.
I can't fulfill my father's vision. But at least I was one step away. I didn't get to play on TV but my name with "Bin Mohd Hamran" was on the newspapers for my father to read. I didn't get the opportunity to play for the senior team yet, but I wore a flag on my chest and my name embeded on my back for real. And its an honour to represent the country in Vietnam playing with the best young players in Singapore and against the best young players in the World. Its already a dream come true for me and I hope I made my father proud. I had my limelights, perhaps I dont need the spotlight. I hate to give up, but my knee wouldn't function like it used to. I'm taking mum's orders.
I've been hit by the hardest rocks and waves lately. I need time to change myself. So as I'm turning my back on this blog for a while, I'm turning my back on football for good.
And I thank you for concerning.
I was sick, alone, depressed, staring at the ground.
I have too much to think, yet I really dont know what to do.
And then one call wiped that frown away.
No one makes me feel the way you do.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick and tired of making decisions and ending up regretting. I feel so depressed especially when someone urges you to go one way, but you know the other way is the right one. Then I realise I get mocked by everyone in the end because someone else gives you too much time too consider. Blame really loves me.
Its always me and my miserable stories. And people get sick and tired of reading my blog because I blabber about the same old things now and then. I get sick of blogging too.
Sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired. Thats all I feel today. I'm also sick and tired of pretending to be fine when everything that I can think of everyday, just matters too much. Maybe they should repair my brain too. Put screws, staples, plastic?
And yeah, my left limb cannot function for at least 9 months more. Trust me, you'd rather be pregnant. I dont know what I can do. Nothing fun, really. Keep blogging? No, I'll stop blogging. At least for a long time. BAI!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I had ample time at home before I left for work earlier today. So I did a small research on the net just to kill time. I found out so much but I can't possibly post about everything I know. So here's a small portion of my findings:
From psychedelic-library.org, The most recent "recreational" drug to be made illegal is MDMA, or "ecstasy." Its criminalization never should have happened. Ecstasy had a beneficial therapeutic use prior to scheduling. Hundreds of therapists and psychiatrists used ecstasy assisted psychotherapy with thousands of patients suffering from terminal illness, trauma, marital difficulties, drug addiction, phobias, and other disorders. Ecstasy was also used outside of therapeutic circles. With many claims of benefits, users showed little evidence of problematic physiological or psychological reactions or addiction. Scheduling and the attendant media attention on the controversial public hearings created an expanded market. But the scheduling process was fraught with problems, with the Drug Enforcement Administration's emergency scheduling itself declared illegal by the courts and its scheduling criteria overturned. Ultimately, criminalization had little deterrent effect on the recreational user population while substantially reducing its therapeutic use. Perhaps the most profound effect of ecstasy's illegality has been the curtailment of scientific research and experimentation with a drug that held therapeutic potential. Socially, psychedelic drugs proved to also be of such beneficial use amongst users mostly in dance clubs and parties.
There you go. Some facts for your head. And for those curious minds, here's some more of my findings, but in my own words; Because there are so many benefits and harmless side effects, many professors, scientists and researchers are actually against the illegalisation of these happy pills. Researchers actually found out that more than 90 percent of those who died from it are never addicted. They are just stupid enough to take too many at one shot. And from a survey, all users described it as the ultimate best way to be happy and be free to talk about anything and do everything you want, yet still feeling alright upon soberity. Many claimed that its a less troubling way yet a much more effective way to enjoy compared to drinking.
Interviewee: "When I drink a lot, I feel great at first, then I get this irritating feeling in my head and I woke up the next morning telling myself never to drink again. Yet, I'll still do it the next time because I got myself addicted. However, when I was on E, I can just smile away, feel free to move and talk anyhow I want and I see things in a more interesting way, but I can wake up the next morning telling myself I'm glad to have done it. Still, I have only took it twice because I never feel the addiction."
I miss you.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thats a pretty pair of Braata. If you click at Mr Rafie Truelove's link, you can see the same image. But I'm sorry Rafie. I think I want it too. Hehe.. All I need now is to work for the bucks.
If you put half a fish down my throat tonight and play Tiesto in my ears, I'll be the happiest man on earth.
Temptations like luring voices in my head.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Today, I'm back in Singapore. Tomorrow, I'll be back in school. And I only just found out because I initially thought its a public holiday for Deepavali. Yes, I know I'm wrong. Don't laugh. Well, its not going to be a good start. Because I made an appointment with the stupid doctor and this means I have to skip the first lesson without MC or excuse letter. Hey look! My attendance isaffected already! How great.. Oh God, I hate school already. But I'm going to do well this semester, because I have to. Ngee Ann is sick and tired of giving me chances already. The next one will be dismissal surely. Being a repeat student is embarassing enough. Okay, not really(macam abang2). But I wouldn't want to be a drop-out, would I? Besides, I made a promise to Sushi and I want to keep the promise because she's the last person I would want to dissapoint. So yeah, GPA above 2 and I'm gonna do it willingly this time. Now, the first challenge of the semester is to wake up on time. Hell yeah, thats hard! Someone give me a wake up call, because apparently alarm never seems to work with me.
Friday, October 16, 2009
So after the doctors put me in a capsule, made me felt like I was in a coffin, blasted loud irritating magnetic sounds, made me wait alone for 2 hours in town, they finally gave me a big envelope. I was excited to know my injury, ironically. But I was patient enough to wait till I got home. So there were 5 big films in it. I could clearly see the interior of my left knee but I was unfortunately not pro enough to figure out what went wrong or which ligaments actually tore. So I thought it was pointless. And then I realised there's actually a slip of report in that envelope. And here's what it says;
MRI: Left Knee.
Clinical notes: Twisting injury.
Technique: Blah, blah, bah.
Findings: Blah, blah, blah.
Conclusion: There is a high-grade ACL tear(almost complete tear). Mild MCL strain and bone contusions in the lateral comparment in the tibiofemoral joint are noted.
Negative for meniscal tear.
Yep, you heard that right. Not meniscus, PCL, LCL or MCL tear. ACL. And yeah, big tear. Almost full. Unbelievable, really. I thought I've been able to jump and run already. I'm so hampered. But what the hell. This is life. So now I just want to go through this quickly. Go cut my legs, drill my bones, sew my ACL, put screws in my joints, sew my skin back, whatever needed. Then let me heal and rot as a handicap for months. No more suspense please. I'm so sick and tired of blabbering about my knee already. No more.
And mum, I'll quit football, ok? If that makes you happy. I don't think I can still play well anyway. You're right. I'm just a dreamer all along.
Off to Malacca. Misses. Bye!
Dreams of you.
I always wake up and stare for long.
Sometimes, I worry.
Should I tell you?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
MRI, Magnetic Resonance Imaging scan tmr. Woooooooooooo..... Sounds interesting.
And then off to Malacca in the evening. Hhmmmmmmmmm..... Can I not go?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Yesterday, it felt right again. Take me back to the start. Because to summarise every word told last night, my life would suck without a diamond. If ever, a chance is given, this time I'll grab it, hold it tight and never let it slip away.
Promise.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I slept for 10 hours and I'm still so friggin drowsy. No more cough syrup for me. Or It will put me to sleep for a really really long time.
And mum, where's my tubigrip? Without wearing it, I can feel my bones grinding against each other everytime I move my left leg.
I should go to sleep. Really. Bye.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
When there's so many friends to have and so much time to spend, sometimes I just forget that there's actually so much to think, so many things to do, so much money to need.
My oh my. So sick, only the cough syrup helps.
Monday, October 5, 2009
When you fill a glass with overwhelming joy, you might spill everything over.
So when you've found joy, go find faith.
Because faith keeps joy and you together.
It works like Red Bull and Vodka.
Your mind works in one.
Decide, never undecide.
Life is never complicated.
You complicate life.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
It was one fucked up night. But at least I kept my little brother to myself.
Aloha!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I have a good feeling about this.
My progress tells me I might recover sooner than I thought.
And I hope I can choose not to go for the operation.
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